lovely, dark and deep

Imagine how disgusted I was when, reading the instructions, I saw a warning not to use the vacuum on animals!

Don’t they realize that’s all I planned to do with this vacuum? I was going to make a career of animal vacuuming. I was going to vacuum the crap out of every single fur-bearing animal within a 100-mile radius. I was going to get one of those long, white kidnapper vans without windows and paint in big, red letters on the side, “AAA ANIMAL VACUUM MAN. HE SUCKS PUSSIES.”

I was going to become famous, and do radio appearances, and write a book, and sign autographs in strip mall parking lots about my exciting life vacuuming animals. What now? What about me? What about my needs?

This is ridiculous. All animals, especially cats, love to be vacuumed. Now I have to send it back. This country has gone to hell. And it’s not a pretty place.

We live in the twenty-first century and set foot on the moon forty years ago. That’s plenty of time. A society such as ours that has failed by this point to create a soft and absorbent, two-ply, lint-free toilet paper deserves no longer to exist.