The dramatic sneezer.
You don’t need to make any sound from your mouth. You’re not auditioning for a touring troupe of sneezing idiots. It’s not a bloody show. No one else cares. Just sneeze, god damn it.
Now that the ball-less wankers in D.C. have had their share of the fun, it’s time for free enterprise to get in on the action. This may look like an ordinary whistle. But, my friend, let me tell you, it is far, far more. This is a genuine, certified Chimp Survival Whistle®. Designed and engineered right here in the United States of Bananaland, home of the world famous Pachyderm Hall. Available now, for the limited-time price of only $9.95 U.S. paper clown bucks.
By wearing this attractive and fashionable device around your neck, at all times, you will keep yourself, your friends, and your family safe from attack by roving, insane chimpanzees under all circumstances. Each time you enter into a room, whether it be a room in your home, such as a bedroom or cellar; a train station; an elevator; broom closet; public restroom or washroom, including lavatoriae and bathhouses; or any outdoor space, blow twice (one long, one short) into the Chimp Survival Whistle® to signal to all others in your sector that the sector is free of chimp interference and all may transit the sector with due haste in peace and freedom from attack.
However, if on the other hand, you detect chimp presence within the sector, blow into the Chimp Survival Whistle® either eleven (eight long, two short, one medium) or fourteen (thrice medium, short, medium, followed by five somewhat long) times, depending on the phase of moon, to alert those you care about that yes, we inhabit an area of chimp danger, guard against mauling. Don welding mask, sold separately, and take cover in the nearest well or storm drain. Remain calm and continue blowing at irregular intervals. Help is on the way.
In all sectors, animal patrol units are monitoring and will arrive to stop further chimp maulings, by force if necessary. God bless you all. Buy the damn whistle. Thank you.
They’re totally clueless, inept, and impotent when it comes to economics. In matters great and small they are the living embodiment of the word myopia (What mortgage bubble?). And they continue to be nothing but a coterie of ball-less, grandstanding leaches. But, man, they’re sure on top of preventing chimp maulings.
I know I’ll sleep easier. Them chimps. I was real, real worried about one of them chimps coming over to my house. That’s right, my house, tonight, and ripping my face clean off.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s me, your friendly neighborhood psychotic chimp on Xanax, and, by the way, you have a lovely face. Why, thank you. Oh, here, let me get that door for you.
Whew. What a relief.
I hope they find the time to git ’round to dogzez two. Cuz them dogzez is real scary like. And maybe dem saber claw catzez two. Don’t matter if dem’s extinct. Dem be mean mean. And, maybe, if please dem could like outlaw really bad gas two. Cuz, like, that’s almost even worse than dem chimpanzarooskers ripping your faces off. For real.
This post will be a continual work in progress, where I list healthful foods and food sources. I believe in building a diet around so-called superfoods or powerfoods. The foods that make up the SAD (standard American diet) kill.
From a health standpoint, little is more important than food. With every molecule you put in your mouth, you decide how close you will approach, or whether in fact you will persist up to, the Singularity (transhumanist Rapture), that point in time beyond which human lifespan will increase indefinitely. So, one might say. It is. This subject of nutrition. Important.
This being said, nutrition is still a young science and there is much disagreement and much that is poorly understood. There are also strong, moneyed interests and much disinformation. I have found what works for me, from a health, if not from a longevity, standpoint. Perhaps it will work for others. Beyond that I cannot say and do not pretend to know.
The ideal diet for health and longevity is low in calories, possibly low in methionine, low in advanced glycation end products, void of refined carbohydrates (this includes all the hippie-dippie sweeteners such as honey, agave, maple syrup, cane juice, sucanat etc., they’re all sugar; I recommend non-caloric, all-natural stevia), low in all carbohydrates, low in fructose (from small quantities of fruit), low in lactose, low in casein, not more than roughly 30% protein, void of trans and other refined fats, low in cooked foods, low in grains, void of gluten, low in pesticide residue, with an omega 3:omega 6 content of approximately 1, and void of artificial colors, flavors, sweeteners, and preservatives. And now, one might ask, so, what does that leave?
It leaves powerfoods, the foods around which a diet should be built. A list of these in no particular order includes (all should be organic/free-range/non-GMO, where available):
the lightly cooked (boiled, stewed, slow-cooked, or perhaps ideally sous vide) organ meats, including brains (more theoretical than practical in that I have no good source and one must be wary of prion diseases) and marrow, of pastured, or at least grass-fed, animals
kimchi (Korean fermented cabbage) and raw sauerkraut
lightly boiled (better yet not boiled but heated only to the point and for the length of time necessary to kill any pathogens), whole (meaning with yolk) omega-3 eggs
organic pasteurized liquid egg whites
highly undenatured whey isolate
raw cacao butter and powder
cinnamon
soaked, raw almonds/almond butter
soaked, raw walnuts/walnut butter
soaked, raw macadamia nuts/macadamia butter and cold-pressed macadamia oil
avocado
dulse (a sea vegetable)
raw rolled oats, soaked
berries, including blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, goji, maqui (which may as well be a mythical berry given its practical unavailability and also has some pretty intense MLM bullshit behind it), and mulberries
unrefined, virgin, raw, nonhydrogenated coconut oil
coconut flesh
unrefined, nonhydrogenated red palm oil
lightly cooked wild (not farmed) salmon
krill
algae
leafy greens, including parsley
sprouts, particularly broccoli sprouts
garlic
wasabi
unrefined, virgin, cold-pressed or “not pressed” olive oil
green and white tea
raw cheese and butter from pastured, or at least grass-fed, dairy
possibly brewer’s yeast (the buds)
possibly fermented bee pollen
and, not a food, but more important than any, clean water.
Most of what my fellow so-called sapiens consume on the SAD I do not recognize as food. And neither would our ancestors have recognized it as food. That should say something. Genetically, we are essentially the same.
I have found the Whole Health Source blog to be very informative on this, eh, subject of nutrition.
Of course, if I or someone I care about needed a blood transfusion, I would want there to be suitable blood available. At the same time, there are two reasons that I oppose blood donation, one significant and one somewhat silly.
First, blood donation seems a strong economic disincentive to the prompt development and regulatory approval of a safe synthetic blood substitute.
Second, unlike virtually every other charitable contribution, blood donation is not tax deductible.
Our fine central planners at the Washington politburo have today decreed that exceutive compensation at financial firms receiving bailout funds must not exceed $500,000. And so we have fixed the price of executives.
What will this lead to? A dearth of willing and able executives and the prolongation of exit from the downward debt death spiral.
Excellent work as usual, gentlemen. All for the rosy warmth of some misguided populist feelings. Rot.
Unfortunately, this is just the beginning of the price fixing.
Buddy Holly is all over the news, this being the 50th anniversary of his death. What better time to suggest some Buddy Holly titles on CD that would make any audiophile cry with joy.
If you want the best there is, which in this case happens to be available at throwaway prices, track down one of the early made-in-Japan CDs of “Buddy Holly – From The Original Master Tapes” on the MCA label, mastered by Steve Hoffman. And if that’s not enough, pick up a CD of “Buddy Holly – For The First Time Anywhere,” also on MCA and mastered by Steve Hoffman. No better-sounding Buddy exists.
By now you’ve probably guessed that I’ve gotten fabulously wealthy off this blog. That and my new web venture, Mongoleganpyre-harmony.com. It is. So big.
So, when I’m not knee-deep in booze and hookers, I like to do my part to support American manufacturing when I can. And now. I can.
I’m here to sing the praises of two US-made products I’ve been using since 1995. And believe it or not, these products are so good, I’m still regularly using the same ones I bought in 1995.
First is Wigwam socks, made in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. I bought several pairs of their Ultimax hiking socks in 1995. They’re great socks. They wick moisture, they cushion, they have no toe seams, and they’re comfortable. I just picked up several pairs of their Ironman running socks and they’re great, too.
Second is Bison Designs’ belts, made in Longmont, Colorado. I bought one of their nylon web belts in 1995. The buckle broke around 2000. They replaced it for free and today it’s as good as new. I expect it to outlast me. I see Bison as the Swatch of belts. They seem not to have aspirations quite so lofty. Perhaps some day. They have some really beautiful designs that I’ll be picking up soon.
I’m not a protectionist. I believe firmly in free trade, although unavoidably it will cause a reduction in the disparity of world living standards, in some ways to the detriment of the US. But I also don’t care for the Chinese government, as distinct from the Chinese people.
So, do your part, reward excellence, buy some quality American products and show those Chicoms where to stick it.
And not a moment too soon.
“Just put them in the garage as usual, men. Right next to the monster truck.”
